Aspire recalls cosmetic skin-coloring agents for humans
April 26th, 2011
Aspire Unlimited Ltd., have announced a massive recall for their most recent line of temporary skin rejuvenating and color-changing agents for humans. Accumulated reports have highlighted the apparent lack of any “temporary” aspects of the company’s product and the noxious smell that results from modifying melanin’s optical chemistry. The company has released a statement today urging consumers to wait until further research is performed—and to buy their Aspire Unlimited-brand Nose Plugs.
“Humans are so oily, we may have overcompensated [our product] to address that,” a researcher who asked to remain anonymous admitted. “But the effect is not permanent. I calculate that with the lowest concentrations applied, any added color should dissipate within a number of years — which isn’t very long at all.” Aspire Unlimited’s stocks have continued to increase throughout the ordeal despite the recall and rampant protests by human consumers. “I’ll never try anything new again,” exclaimed a purple protester. “I smell like Dock 4 on Omega and everyone thinks I look like Unara T’Zeli if she’d got hit by a hovercraft and grew eyebrows! I wish I was dead!”
[via Citadel News]
Tags: Aspire Unlimited
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